Wednesday, September 15, 2010

With thanks to my nephew, here you have Tool Tips

I don't know about everyone else, but normally I check my email several times a day...though I may not do anything else on here...I usually check it. Yesterday I came in and found an email from my nephew...in it was these tool tips. I sat there and laughed till I cried over several of them...I don't know if they were that funny or if it was just the mood I was in.....nahhh, I just started reading them again and they are still just as funny. Oh, and by the way, the photo has nothing to do with the writing...I just thought the color was gorgeous.


For those of you who might not be very familiar with some tools, this might help.

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ' Oh sh--.... '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC ' S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' DAMMIT ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

10 comments:

don said...

A beautiful picture and a very funny list. I must forward this to a handyman who will appreciate it too.

George said...

Thanks, Rose -- I have many of those tools in our garage, but I appreciate the explanation of their proper uses.
I really like your autumn picture.

Mary said...

This is hilarious Rose - you can tell your nephew that I have a little toolbox that only contains dammit tools - lol. I have learned the hard way that I'm better off calling someone to fix anything around the house. It always winds up costing me more if I try to do it and then I have to call someone to fix the mess I made.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Hi Rose, How hilarious!!!!! I really enjoyed reading the list..... I can understand you laughing til you cried. Me Too!!!! ha

Thanks so much.
Hugs,
Betsy

Flutterby said...

Very funny. I think I enjoyed some of the descriptions more since I have attempted to use those tools. :)

EG Wow said...

HA! I ll pass these on to my husband! :)

Max-e said...

LOL. Reminds me of one of my father's sayings, "The bigger the problem, the bigger the hammer."

Carolina said...

Autumn is definitely coming, and although I do not specifically like the rain that often comes with it, I do like the changing colours and the warm light it brings too.

I love this list. Hubs spends his days teaching people how to work safely. This list will come in handy ;-)

And now I'm off to look for your photoblog.

Mary said...

Funny! I am making sure that Mike sees this. Actually I would have defined a table saw as: A place to pile everything else.

Gill - That British Woman said...

great list, and one I can actually relate too!! So that is why I don't use tools!

Gill

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