Monday, May 13, 2019

Funny....Tool List....



While looking for something else, I thought of  this old post that had the list of tools and their descriptions.  Notice what the pan with the quenching fluid? is setting on...that is Roger's table saw.  Notice the description of it below.  I have had that exact experience.  You can adjust the angle of the blade to make a cut...and I was trimming off just this tiny corner off a board.  A short board I might add...maybe 2 foot.  If that.  Well, it was small, so Roger had this push stick we used to keep our hands away from the blade.  I was using it and standing a bit to the side. It was probably a good thing...when I finished the cut, the saw grabbed the part I trimmed off and flung it 6 or 8 ft behind me and drove it in the garage door!

I won't tell of any other experience I have had, but I am very familiar with a few of them.


Tools and their use:

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ' Oh sh--.... '



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.



SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.



BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.



PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC ' S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' DAMMIT ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

12 comments:

Ginny Hartzler said...

I have never even heard of a lot of these tools, but this is all still so hilarious! I have been reading them to Phil. Thanks for a hearty bedtime laugh. I loved this.

Nancy Chan said...

That is a long list of tool which I am very familiar with most of them. I can identify with some of your experiences with the tools. Lol!

Hootin' Anni said...

I never laughed so hard in such a long time! Thanks...I needed this Rose. Now, I'm gonna read it out loud to Bud...and laugh more!

Karen said...

My Dad would have gotten a big kick out of this! He was handy with tools. I didn't inherit his skill. lol

Sandra said...

this is hilarious, am so glad no one was permanently injured in the making of this story... the only things I have used is hammer, and both types of screw drivers.. we have all of these, or bob does, except no band saw or welding stuff. I touch none of it.... tools terrify me and now I know I was right to feel that way..

happyone said...

We have many of these tools.
Thanks for the laughs today. :)

Granny Marigold said...

My DH has had more than one push stick attack him as well as saws that have destructive tendencies. ( He is missing part of one finger for that very reason.)

Rosie said...

This list has made me laugh but I suspect your experiences weren't so funny!. My husband got his sleeve caught in the wire brush attachment on his drill and it screwed up and then took a layer of skin off the top of his hand and eventually stalled the motor. He came inside and asked me for a BandAid. It was the look on his face which made me realise that he needed more than a Band Aid. He ended up with a very infected hand and many trips to the doctor. It was a lesson learned for him to be very careful and to get to the doctor rather than saying it's OK!

betty-NZ said...

Hysterical list! I love it so much and can relate to more than I'd care to admit!!!

Heidi R. said...

That sounds dangerous?

DeniseinVA said...

Enjoyed reading about the tools, but not the part about almost getting clobbered by the flying wood. That sounded scary. Interesting image too. My dad was a great carpenter and it was a hobby where he made tables, chairs and even bed frames. I wish I had his skill.

Jeannie said...

So funny! I am sending this to a few friends.
Jeannie@GetMetoTheCountry